finally.

finally you were back by my side, smiling.
and of course i was the only one who could touch you and i was bawling.
screaming about how much i'd missed you.

and your mother was always so angry at me,
but she was like splenda the way she faked sweetness.
i could hear her thoughts, pleading to me.
"he's my boy, let him go, he's my boy"

i didn't make you talk to me, i just made you hug me.
and that was enough before you left me for the second time.

kiss me, scratch me, love me, strangle me.

truth is colder than blind sun-kissed bliss.

i never wanted to have to learn.

but leaving it up to the abuser is what i do best.

hurt me.

you ran away down that gravel road of fear,
and i chased after you barefooted,
my heart pouring through my begging lips.

i was going to bring you home to me.
then you got high and flew right up there into the universe.
so i got high too, but it just sent me down a cliff.
and now im stuck here, hung over, picking rock pieces out of my feet.

waiting for you to leave your utopia, and save me from myself.

quietly i slipped into cheap 100 thread count sheets on a bed i knew nothing about.
and through all the itchiness, i could feel my blood pushing itself through my veins. through every inch of them. it would start in my heart and pulsate throughout my entire body; arms, legs, brain, neck, shoulders, toes. i contemplated the ups and downs and decided that this strange bed was a raft. i contemplated more, and decided i was unstable. i pushed myself to accept that i wasn't firmly planted, and i wished someone would turn on the gravity and pull me back onto shore. but i just floated away, and expected to stay lost in my dreams forever.

for a moment i saw myself from the clouds point of view.
and i wasn't sitting, but spinning around in circles.
flinging myself out of conrol.
trying to make by body feel as dizzy as my mind.

in my dream, there was something following me too.
i had images of you caring, and giving me creatures to keep me safe.
something like they had.

i woke up, and was ready to write about everything.
ready to show the world that i wasn't alone like i thought i was.
that was when i realized that sleep is a liar.

your words were laced with influence,

and i could tell you weren't thinking for me anymore.

and i could tell you weren't thinking of me anymore.

so tonight i ran,

tonight i took pain for what it was, and sniffed away my hurting.

and tonight i decided to start keeping secrets of my own again.