in my dream, there was something following me too.
i had images of you caring, and giving me creatures to keep me safe.
something like they had.

i woke up, and was ready to write about everything.
ready to show the world that i wasn't alone like i thought i was.
that was when i realized that sleep is a liar.

your words were laced with influence,

and i could tell you weren't thinking for me anymore.

and i could tell you weren't thinking of me anymore.

so tonight i ran,

tonight i took pain for what it was, and sniffed away my hurting.

and tonight i decided to start keeping secrets of my own again.

i would make you eat chocolate, because then i didn't have to taste the lies that your mouth was ridden with whenever i kissed you.

i grew up in a rather functional family, i thought.

i didn't know anything was wrong. and had i never met you, maybe i could have drown myself in my imaginary perfect world.

but that isn't how it happened.

when you found me, you saw just how broken i didn't know i was.

you made me experience things that i thought were helping me grow, and i loved it.

i gave you everything so that you could continue to help me learn, and you used it.

you took me, and you strangled me.

i left you, and now i can't remember what i'm looking for.

everyone says i'm searching for something that should stay hidden.

something that no one should really want.

if you asked me, i would tell you this;

all i want is for someone to let me know they care, by showing me that they don't.

after a while, caring is no longer one of those beautiful lyrics, it becomes something awful.

and if you asked me, i'd tell you that's what i deserve.

listening to you spit out those disgusting words, makes me angry.

watching you claw at life, trying to find a way to help yourself back up, makes me sick.

hearing you lie about real life situations to everyone who doesn't matter, is enough to make me want to stab you.

but then i realize that you're me. that we are the same.

that if i told everyone my disgusting words, they would get angry.

if i showed how i was clawing at life too, people would be sickened.

if the people who didn't matter thought i was lying about my real life situations, they would want to stab me.

i told momma about how you made me feel, and she said to write it down.

i told my boy about how you made me feel, and he said to bask in it and learn from it.

i told myself how you made me feel, and i realized i wasn't feeling anything at all.

and maybe that was the problem all along.

and now i just want to thank you.

and now i just want to hug you.

strong. walking up to the door. overgrown.

weak. reaching out a fist. knocking.

bold. asking for an answer. please.

growling.

running.

truth.

what you thought, was correct.

what you wished for, could not be granted.

what you laughed about, was no laughing matter.

we were winter people; and i let you know constantly.

i would fill you in on all our distasteful habits, but you never told me how you didn't like it that way.

you never asked me to zip up my mouth.

i would have, had i known how much you hated it.

how much the habits reminded you of the taste of one's you liked more.

sweeter ones.

with someone else.

habits with your summer people.

tell me a stale secret.

a secret so strong it might break you.

put a strain on my heart so that you can relax.

pick through my thoughts so that you no longer have to listen to your own.

lie to me, and tell me that i'm the only one who knows.

lie to me, and tell me that you're the only one with a rushing brain.

because you know i'll shoot you the same favor.

you know i'll push myself to believe your every word.

i'll drink up your sentences,

and plaster on an interested face.

i don't expect compassion.

i'm the dealer.