i want you to save me, even if it's only in a dream.

red nails scratching to let something out.
"STOP THAT SCRATCHING!"
they are silenced. frozen. they spread out and press on the sore to make it warm. cool it down with heat.

then they begin to move back and fourth again, they want to let it out.
"YOU STOP THAT! YOU HEAR ME!?"
but it's too late. the blood pours out, screaming, i want help. draining down her arm in streaks.

now his nails are moving, in a tapping motion. bored with this, ignoring this, tap tap tap on the table beside him.

"i know you see this." she wispers.

he looks over, tired. pushes himself up and walks toward her slowly. pulls up her arm when he gets there, close to his bony face. opens his mouth, licks up the blood in one long delicate motion, then kisses the opening. hard.

her arm tenses from the burn.

"let it go now." he says, his eyes trailing up to meet hers. "let it go."

finally.

finally you were back by my side, smiling.
and of course i was the only one who could touch you and i was bawling.
screaming about how much i'd missed you.

and your mother was always so angry at me,
but she was like splenda the way she faked sweetness.
i could hear her thoughts, pleading to me.
"he's my boy, let him go, he's my boy"

i didn't make you talk to me, i just made you hug me.
and that was enough before you left me for the second time.

kiss me, scratch me, love me, strangle me.

truth is colder than blind sun-kissed bliss.

i never wanted to have to learn.

but leaving it up to the abuser is what i do best.

hurt me.

you ran away down that gravel road of fear,
and i chased after you barefooted,
my heart pouring through my begging lips.

i was going to bring you home to me.
then you got high and flew right up there into the universe.
so i got high too, but it just sent me down a cliff.
and now im stuck here, hung over, picking rock pieces out of my feet.

waiting for you to leave your utopia, and save me from myself.

quietly i slipped into cheap 100 thread count sheets on a bed i knew nothing about.
and through all the itchiness, i could feel my blood pushing itself through my veins. through every inch of them. it would start in my heart and pulsate throughout my entire body; arms, legs, brain, neck, shoulders, toes. i contemplated the ups and downs and decided that this strange bed was a raft. i contemplated more, and decided i was unstable. i pushed myself to accept that i wasn't firmly planted, and i wished someone would turn on the gravity and pull me back onto shore. but i just floated away, and expected to stay lost in my dreams forever.

for a moment i saw myself from the clouds point of view.
and i wasn't sitting, but spinning around in circles.
flinging myself out of conrol.
trying to make by body feel as dizzy as my mind.

in my dream, there was something following me too.
i had images of you caring, and giving me creatures to keep me safe.
something like they had.

i woke up, and was ready to write about everything.
ready to show the world that i wasn't alone like i thought i was.
that was when i realized that sleep is a liar.

your words were laced with influence,

and i could tell you weren't thinking for me anymore.

and i could tell you weren't thinking of me anymore.

so tonight i ran,

tonight i took pain for what it was, and sniffed away my hurting.

and tonight i decided to start keeping secrets of my own again.

i would make you eat chocolate, because then i didn't have to taste the lies that your mouth was ridden with whenever i kissed you.

i grew up in a rather functional family, i thought.

i didn't know anything was wrong. and had i never met you, maybe i could have drown myself in my imaginary perfect world.

but that isn't how it happened.

when you found me, you saw just how broken i didn't know i was.

you made me experience things that i thought were helping me grow, and i loved it.

i gave you everything so that you could continue to help me learn, and you used it.

you took me, and you strangled me.

i left you, and now i can't remember what i'm looking for.

everyone says i'm searching for something that should stay hidden.

something that no one should really want.

if you asked me, i would tell you this;

all i want is for someone to let me know they care, by showing me that they don't.

after a while, caring is no longer one of those beautiful lyrics, it becomes something awful.

and if you asked me, i'd tell you that's what i deserve.

listening to you spit out those disgusting words, makes me angry.

watching you claw at life, trying to find a way to help yourself back up, makes me sick.

hearing you lie about real life situations to everyone who doesn't matter, is enough to make me want to stab you.

but then i realize that you're me. that we are the same.

that if i told everyone my disgusting words, they would get angry.

if i showed how i was clawing at life too, people would be sickened.

if the people who didn't matter thought i was lying about my real life situations, they would want to stab me.

i told momma about how you made me feel, and she said to write it down.

i told my boy about how you made me feel, and he said to bask in it and learn from it.

i told myself how you made me feel, and i realized i wasn't feeling anything at all.

and maybe that was the problem all along.

and now i just want to thank you.

and now i just want to hug you.

strong. walking up to the door. overgrown.

weak. reaching out a fist. knocking.

bold. asking for an answer. please.

growling.

running.

truth.

what you thought, was correct.

what you wished for, could not be granted.

what you laughed about, was no laughing matter.

we were winter people; and i let you know constantly.

i would fill you in on all our distasteful habits, but you never told me how you didn't like it that way.

you never asked me to zip up my mouth.

i would have, had i known how much you hated it.

how much the habits reminded you of the taste of one's you liked more.

sweeter ones.

with someone else.

habits with your summer people.

tell me a stale secret.

a secret so strong it might break you.

put a strain on my heart so that you can relax.

pick through my thoughts so that you no longer have to listen to your own.

lie to me, and tell me that i'm the only one who knows.

lie to me, and tell me that you're the only one with a rushing brain.

because you know i'll shoot you the same favor.

you know i'll push myself to believe your every word.

i'll drink up your sentences,

and plaster on an interested face.

i don't expect compassion.

i'm the dealer.

i'm expected to be angry.

i'm expected to be sad.

sometimes i am.

mostly i'm not.

i'm happy, i'm running.

and this time i'm running towards something realistic.

i think too much, and that is my only downfall.

i hope too much, and that is my only fault.

i'm not trying to convince you.

believe me.

it was easy to bask in unreal memories. unreal realities.

so simple to twist a truth into a lie to make it more cozy, easier to live with.

i would carelessly laugh when the good ones tried to remind me, and i would scream when the bad ones wouldn't let me forget.

i covered my ears when i shouldn't have because false hopes about what had already been, were better than harsh honesties.

call me crazy, everyone does.

call me broken, because maybe i am.

but you'll never be able to call me sad, or let down.

because where i come from, i'm not. and i wasn't.

in that moment, it didn't matter to them that i was laying limp as a dead dog on the pavement.

they had found their broken girl that no one cared for any longer.

so they scooped me up and carried me home.

without regard towards my safety or happiness they cut holes in my back and glued large wings to my shoulder blades.

"she'll become an angel this way" they said.

i was to be kept a secret for a while. and if anyone found me, they would think i was beautiful. not just a joke.

they took needles full of melted plastic and shot them through my veins.

i became stiff.

they took staples and pulled at my lips to make a smile.

i became happy.

they put me in a glass box, and charged a good price.

i became a living, dying, work of art.

i'll plant us a city, where everything smells like plastic love.

and all the people will be okay when they don't ever talk to each other deeply.

it will be an emotionless sanctuary.

i'll grow us a town, where people staple back their smiles when they wake up in the morning.

and everything will be okay, just as long as we can see each others teeth.

it will be an emotionless sanctuary.

i'll breed us some people who never scream out accusations.

and no one will assume.

and no one will believe.

and no one will be real.

and it will be an emotionless sanctuary.

none.

once, there was a big, black, monster.

he had yellow teeth and smelled stinky. he was bigger than all the houses and everyone called him 'Prince' instead of 'Monster,' but no one really knew why.

he used his big yellow teeth to chew up a thousand kittens, and yell a thousand lies.

he yelled, "i will love The Lady Who Bleeds Glitter until the day i die!"

she whispered, "sometimes i hate you."

she ran up a diamond hill. she ran so far away that most of her minions wouldn't even follow her anymore.

"find me some babies." she said quietly to the loyal ones.

they went and did as she had commanded. they came back pulling two large bags of the babies. The Lady Who Bleeds Glitter sliced them open, and ripped out their fresh, tiny, bones.

she made them into wind chimes, and slid back down the diamond hill. Monster Prince was in his Hay, Stick and Stone Castle when she returned. he was pouting a sad pout.

she hung up the baby bone wind chimes all around him, then sucked in a deep breath and blew as hard as she could. the chimes began to make a lovely sound, and Monster Prince dried his damp eyes. the Lady Who Bleeds Glitter kept blowing until his Hay, Stick and Stone Castle came down all around them. she stared at him after she had run out of breath.

"sometimes i just want for you to whisper to me." she said.

"okay." he said back.

the minions turned the crumbled castle into sunshine dust, then threw it into the sky so it would make a rainbow. The Lady Who Bleeds Glitter and Monster Prince mixed up the rainbow, and liquefied it into rainbow juice.

they shot the juice into their veins.

they painted their bodies with it.

they lived happily in it, until it drowned them.

and all was well.

i gently bent up everything you taught me about love.

i put beads on everything you showed me about growth.

i cried into everything you expressed, then took away.

i ran from your example of surprise endings.

and ended up throwing away everything except the beauty.

i am surrounded by blank walls, an empty closet, too many cigarettes,

and wire expressions of hatred changed slowly into compassion.